Damnit.

Wow. I really fucked up, didn't I? How could I go and do something so stupid. I actually had a fighting chance before... And now I have nothing. Fuck.

New Connections.

It's funny how just a few weeks ago I was so upset. And now I feel perfectly fine. I've discovered a new breed of human, someone totally and completely different from anything I have ever encountered. I feel constantly surprised, suspenseful, on edge... Spontaneous. For once, I've met someone that intrigues me. Someone that I can't even begin to try and describe.

Not quite my type. And I'm not in love... But I want to know more about her. And I want to spend time with her. And I want to learn from her... And just being near her is a healing experience. I've finally met someone that truly astonishes me. And there's just something there... Something I can't read, beneath the surface. Something I can't begin to understand and I want desperately to do so.

The time we spend together is not romantic nor sexy nor enticing... Just hopeful and exciting and unique and special in a nonchalant kind of way. Wishing on shooting stars for each other on a hammock or just sitting under a tree discussing life in a general insensitive manner.

And we're not falling in love or lust... Just wasting time together, erasing and healing and mending and understanding and bonding. I've finally found a true companion, a friendship on the level that I was unknowingly searching for. And I think I've found someone that can possibly change my life for the better. Someone that has already impacted me and will most likely continue to do so.

I feel lucky. And perhaps I am ambitious in the kind of relationship I seem to be pushing for. But I'm certainly not trying to misinterpret anything. I just don't want this to slip away. I want to strengthen this friendship... Because I am truly grateful for every moment we spend together and every conversation we share. And I don't want to be greedy about it. I don't want more than she is willing to give me. I truly just want her to be a part of my life.

Missing U

I still feel stupid for ever loving her. I think she manipulated me... I watched her do it before. I knew she was doing it... But I willingly fell into her trap. And now I am hurting. I feel as though I have lost everything. I don't know what to live for anymore. I don't know how I survive day after day.

Yet, even after everything that's happened... I miss her. I'm not quite sure if it's simply her companionship or her love that I miss. I just know that I ache to be near her again, the way it used to be. And I want to call her like when we were best friends and just tell her about the way I miss my ex... And just pretend that they are not one and the same.

I miss her voice. I miss her eyes and the way she used to look at me. I miss playing with her hair as we laid together on my bed, her head on my shoulder. I miss holding her as we fall asleep. I miss her hugs and I miss her kisses. I miss the things she used to say to me and the conversations we had. I miss the way she understood me and how comfortable I felt around her. I miss playing connect the dots with her freckles. And I miss the way she grazed my calloused guitar playing hands with her finger tips.

I miss taking showers with her. I miss the way we made love. I miss the way she moved her body. I miss the way she walked, her toes pointing inward. I miss the way she did her make up. I miss the way she couldn't pee if I was listening. I miss waking her up with gentle kisses on the lips. I miss sleeping in till noon next to her. I even miss the gap in her front teeth. I miss the way she yelled at me when she was angry.

I don't miss the way she hurt me. I don't miss the way she lied and kept secrets from me. I don't miss the superficial friends she always chose to focus on. I don't miss how insecure and unsafe I felt with her. I don't miss the way she ignored me. I don't miss the way she unknowingly toyed with people's emotions.

But none of that even matters. I just want to stop thinking about her now. I just want to forget we ever dated. I want to pretend things haven't changed. That we're still friends the way we used to be.

"You worthless bitch. You fickle shit."

You couldn't leave him because you said you didn't want to decimate him... But how easy it was for you to do such a thing to me. Funny that you promised you would never hurt me... That this would never ruin our friendship... But you tore me to pieces. You seriously ripped me to shreds. I don't even know how to feel. I know that I will be vindictive and cruel about it... And it will solve nothing. But I want to feel something other than pain. I want to be angry so that this painful stabbing sensation in the pit of my stomach willl go away.

I can't handle this anymore. I just want to die. Life feels pointless. I've got nothing to look forward to. Nothing to live for. My life is directionless. I'm sinking deeper and deeper every day. I'm drowning.



Bauhaus describes the way I feel right now. This is what she did to me.

"What do you want of me
What do you long from me
A slim Pixie, thin and forlorn
A count, white and drawn
What do you make of me
What can you take from me
Pallid landscapes off my frown
Let me rip you up and down

For you I came to forsake
Lay wide despise and hate
I sing of you in my demented songs
For you and your stimulations
Take what you can of me
Rip what you can off me
And this I'll say to you
And hope that it gets through

You worthless bitch
You fickle shit
You will spit on me
You will make me spit
And when the Judas howl arise
And like the Jesus Jews you epitomize
I'll still be here as strong as you
And I'll walk away in spite of you

And I'll walk away
Away
Walk away"

What?

I have been reevaluating life lately. Let's face it. I complain too much.

So I've changed my perspective a bit. I'm trying not to think too much. And I've given up on trying to escape myself and this reality. Whatever happens happens. Things can't possibly be that bad.

I was just thinking today about how much I love my hands and how lucky I am to have fully functional limbs. I do everything with my hands... Without them... Well I don't know what I would do. It's little things like having hands and legs and being able to go on long walks with my friends that helps me remember how good life is. =]

Unhappy

I give up. I don't know why I'm trying anymore.
I wanted this so bad... But now that I finally have it; it feels cruel and stolen or forbidden.

I think maybe I don't want to be happy. I'm not letting myself be happy.
I keep looking for flaws in my relationship so I can let myself down early and spare myself the pain and disappointment later. If I just convince myself now that it's doomed to fail... I can just block out the feelings and pretend that it doesn't bother me.

But that would be giving up early. And I wouldn't be giving us the chance I always thought we deserved. I guess maybe I'm just done trying. I'm tired.

I thought... That once the first battle was over it would be breezy through and through. But it isn't. And I guess. I don't know. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. And I've just been trying to deceive myself this entire time by blowing off my emotions and devalidating them as if they aren't important. If none of this was important to me... I wouldn't be so hurt over it and struggling to fight it.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just love and be loved... And for a moment trust and just accept that things can't always be perfect and maybe it's more fun that way.

Maybe the insecurities and jealousy and distrust are just a little something to spice it up. Maybe I shouldn't be so demanding and eager to give up.

I keep thinking... What if this all just happened a little too fast? Maybe I needed a little more time to figure myself out. Now I'm bringing this curse into someone elses life. I don't want to be the predator. I don't want to be the one to destroy someone completely innocent.

What am I supposed to do? How can I finally be at peace and just be happy and make her happy too?

I think I just started today on the wrong foot. I think maybe more sleep will make me happy. Maybe just... Letting it go. Just letting go of my frustrations and stop blowing things out of proportion.

It's me. I'm the problem here. I'm the problem everywhere. I guess I was born bad. "Naturally born bad." Like a fucking rotten apple. Stay away, the rot is contagious. I might start eating away your flesh. Just step back before it's too late. Already, I've began to infect you.

Splitting in two

Reality is splitting itself from my spine.
I can feel my ribcage crackeling beneath the weight of this solidarity between myself and those I love. It's too much to protect, too much to keep up with.

I see these stop lights passing me by at the speed of so many miles per hour.
And I wonder if I've been here. But I know I haven't... And I doubt my memory. And if I can't trust my memory... Then what can I trust?

I trust nothing. And I trust no one... And the weight of this solitude is nailing me to the floor... And I'm caught in an emeasurable expanse of thoughts and disillusion and indescribable phenomenon.

I can't fucking stand this. These fucking fuzzy lights in the corners of my eyes... And that random displacement and disorientation that comes over me suddenly when I feel like I'm in a completely different world. I feel so disconnected. And unwanted here. And So lost. So very very lost.

It's okay though. I have something special to hold onto. I have someone to love and hold and cherish... And that somehow makes everything better.

I almost don't care about where I am half the time. I don't care if I talk to myself or whatnot... Because there's someone there that I can depend on. And I feel safe. I feel secure. And I feel loved. I feel beautiful... Because someone accepts me for what I am. And it doesn't matter what society expects of me.

I think I'm actually happy for the first time in a while...
Even when things are a little strange.
I'm just fucking happy. And nothing can take that away from me.

"All the glory that the Lord has made
And the complications you could do without
When I kissed you on the mouth."
-Sufjan Stevens


Is it really so much easier to just give up?
What am I fighting for anyway?
I'm so tired. So fucking tired.

But I don't want to give up.
I'm not going to give up.
You make me happy.
And I'm going to fight for that.
I'm going to fight for the right to make you happy as well.

I don't care how fucking complicated things get.
And I don't care if I get hurt in the process.
Just so long as I can make you happy somehow.

Done.

Oh man. I fail at life.

Might as well just give up.

I'm tired of being strung along.
I'm tired of the drugs.
I'm tired of the people.
I'm tired of the parties.
Feels like I'm just going no where at this point.
I'm so fucking sick. Emotionally and physically...

And well... Mentally even.

I'm just so fucking done with all of this.
I don't know how much more I can handle.

I'm being used and abused and battered to a pulp.
By everyone. By life itself. By me.

What am I worth? Am I worth anything at all? No. Nothing really.

I'm fucking done.

"You have Killed me"

I should have never given you the chance to destroy me.
I should have known you would actually use it against me.

It's not your fault.
It's my fault.
I really do fail at life.
Goddamn me for being so stupid.

You turn everything around

It's weird how I was feeling so terrible...

My dog died. My computer crashed. I was feeling sick. And I was feeling anxious and emotionally drained. And suddenly, you come around, and everything is better again.

I can't explain the way you make me feel. It's beyond reasoning. I shouldn't be into you. I'm not supposed to be this into you...

But there you have it; you now hold in your hands the ability to destroy me piece by piece. I'm vulnerable now. I'm open and exposed.

And it's all just for you. I'm doing this for you.

My substance abuse is getting out of hand.

I'm unbelievably depressed right now. And I wonder if jumping off a bridge could help me feel better?

Feels like I'm going no where and I'm just making things worse for myself day after day after day.

I want to give up. There's no solution.

Tear You Down

It dawned on me today... That I hurt people on purpose.
I am lethal. I am manipulative. I am vile.

And I don't know why I do it. But I want to make someone cry. I want to make someone feel alone and hopeless and useless. I want to be reckless.

Fuck. I don't want to do it... But I can't help it.

You're so guarded and safe and secure... And you can stand on your own without me... And I hate it... If I tear you down... Maybe there will be proof that you care about me... That I'm so important I can have that effect on you.

Distance

You said that you're in love with me. And I was so drugged up at the time... I'm not even sure how I felt about it or how I reacted.

It feels superficial now. You told me I have a beautiful mind and that you felt lucky to have me in your life. Told me that I was amazing and incredibly strong for staying clean and that I give you hope.

Oh... If only you knew.

I've used 4 days in a row now. I'm all out. And I don't have money to buy more. Maybe that can save me.

But, I don't want to disappoint you. I need to do this so maybe you'll see that you can do it too. And I care about you too much to let you down.

But it's so easy for you to let me down... And you do it all the time... And then I feel so angry at you for it... That I forget about how much I care about you completely... Because if I don't forget how deeply I feel for you, it just hurts too much to bare.

What to do, what to do? Well... I don't want relapse to be another option, though it feels a little late in the game to decide that. I don't want to lose you, but I can feel you pushing me away... So, well... What are my options?

I know: Push everyone away. Just push away anything and anyone that can hurt me. I will place you at a distance and discontinue this lie we have been living.

Of course it is a lie, because neither one of us wants to admit that this is going no where. And we keep refusing to end it, pretending that everything will work out in the end, that this way is good... That at least we have each other in this moment and that should be enough to carry us through and keep us happy.

It's not enough. I want more than this. And you're breaking my heart. And I don't care how much you love and care for me and how devastated you would be if anything ever happens to me... Because I feel like being selfish now... I've waited patiently and long enough for you to decide you want to be with me... And I can't hang on any longer. I have so much to offer, so much to give... And you just refuse to accept it.

So now... I need to push you as far away as I can. I can't keep doing this. I don't want to get hurt... And I want you to be happy. Obviously, your happiness does not lie with me. If it did, you would have long ago chosen me.

I hold nothing but disdain for you now. Just get the fuck out.

It's good to know my feelings are reciprocated. Here I thought you didn't care about me at all.

I made connections... But everything feels fake... Not because they were superficial... But because I'm not so sure I have the ability to connect.

I question nothing now. I don't want answers anymore. I want to be normal.

Relapse

I'm getting this terrible urge to relapse.

I feel so uncontrollably depressed... And I can't stop the hallucinations.

I know that if I was to use again, it would make these things go away. Heroin grounds me. It reminds me what is real and draws a line between reality and fantasy.

But I have to remind myself how horrible that life is. I need to remember how trapped I was. I need to remind myself how bad things got and look at my friends that are still using and realize how unrepairable things are becoming for them.

I'm tired of building and rebuilding only to tear it all back down.

I may not relapse now, but I am destined to do it again.

I am an addict. Nothing can ever change that.

Put a dress on a monkey and what does it become? A monkey in disguise.

That's all I am. An addict disguised as a regular civilian.

I've been hallucinating for the last two days...
I'm not on drugs, I can tell you that.

What's wrong with me?

I'm scared. I'm so scared. But at the same time... When it happens... I feel so apathetic.

I almost feel at peace with myself. Like maybe I'm finding some deep dark secret. Like maybe I'm getting somewhere. Like I'm digging deeper than I've ever gone before.

And sometimes... I can even control it. I feel my body and soul or mind or whatever separate... And then I pull myself back in and it goes away.

Memorial.

Her memorial is today. It's almost impossible to believe I will never see her again...

But then, I should have seen it coming all along.

It's just not real yet. It won't be real until I've mourned her with all the others. Then... Perhaps I will be able to believe it. Perhaps then I will know that there is nothing left to do. There's nothing I can do to change what has happened.

Flawed

I'm tired of people falling in love with me. I know that sounds conceited, but somehow it keeps happening.

Why do people want me? I'm not that great. I'm just a big joke. I come off all sweet and intelligent and charismatic... But I'm a fake. No one feels right for me.

I'm sick of people telling me that I'm beautiful. I'm tired of people smiling at me in that absurd way that appears as if they want everything I can give them and more. I'm tired of people building me up to be something I'm not and sitting me on a giant pedestal.

I just... Can't stand being loved. I want people to hate me. Perhaps if people hate me, it will be easier to hate myself... Then self destruction wouldn't be such a crime.

If people keep falling for me like this... Well... Damn. I'm going to become pretty damn full of myself. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be drained of sincerity.

In order to be sincere I have to be able to see my flaws. I have so many.

I wonder what it is that everyone else sees...

Does anyone see my tarnished persona? Do they love me anyway, even with all these impurities and mistakes? How? How can anyone love this disgusting being?

Distance

I am becoming apathetic.

I don't want to be loved. I don't want to be loved by anyone.

I'm tired of this silly game.

I don't care if you call. And I don't care if you love me.

I don't even think I love you. I'm training myself to simply not give a damn about anything you do.

My reality is slipping away. I like it. I hope I never come back.

I want to be distant. I want to get lost.

You'll never find me.

Escape

No matter how hard I try to escape it...
Everywhere I go, those people, and those vile things find me. Everywhere I battle the possibility of another relapse.

Drugs. Everywhere. And it's not as if it matters whether it is my drug of choice or not. Anything can send me right over the edge.

Spring break only lasted the span of one week. And I am so ashamed to admit, that I decided to "make the best of it" and "go all out". Why not? It was just one week. Fooling around with drugs once every great while isn't going to draw me right back in, is it?

So it went something like this:

Thursday - Somas, Vicodines, and Oxy
Friday - Beer, tons of Jager, and Oxy
Saturday - Soma and Oxy
Sunday - More Drinking
Monday - Heroin and Speed
Tuesday - Weed and Cocaine
Wednesday - More Speed
Thursday - Finally sober for a little bit
Friday - Lots and lots of beer, Vodka, and Jager
Saturday - Two Ecstasy pills
Sunday - More Jager
Monday - Dropped an Adoral

Okay.... Not gonna lie... I think my binge did spill out of Spring Break a little bit. But... It's Thursday now and I haven't done anything since Monday.

I don't want to relapse. I really really really don't want to relapse.
But... I don't know how much longer I want to stay sober.
I'm already spiraling. Why not just go all the way?

I need an escape. I need a fucking escape.

ERASED

In her eyes and smile
You've seen the beauty
Of a long and since
Forgotten ambiguity

And when the stars
Have ceased to shine
And the earth stops spinning
In response to altered time...

You make one last wish to see her face
And without warning she disappears
In an overwhelming plethora
Of empty space.

Forever
She and you
ERASED

Used and Abused

It isn't every day your mother calls you a pervert and a degenerate. It's not every day she tells you to go be the filthy spawn of Satan somewhere else.

I suppose she loves me. She must... After all; she gave birth to me. But, it doesn't work that way.

I'm a horrible person. Sometimes, I hate myself as well. I did this all for someone inconsistent. I hear the words, "I love you," but they don't share the meaning my words do when they leave my mouth. My love is strong and biased and desperate. My love is unwanted, unappreciated, and taken for granted.

I want to be used and abused. I want to be beaten and trampled upon.

I have earned exactly what I deserve. I am getting what I asked for.

Guess I'm a fucking idiot.

I'm homeless now. Loveless. Penniless. Depressed. Disoriented. And trapped.

I can't afford to commit suicide. I don't have insurance, nor the money for a funeral.

I think I will throw myself in a ditch. Hopefully the vultures and wild animals will devour my corpse and leave not a single trace of me. Nothing more to cause suffering amongst those I love.

Perhaps I can become accustomed to being used. It can't be that bad. One second with you is worth ten hours of misery and I benefit from every moment. I cherish you. I cherish anything you give me. Because it's better than being given nothing at all.

Pining. Longing. Yearning.

I'm learning...

To hate these words.

The game

I'm starting to think I'm just an experiment to you.
You're using me for sex. You're using me for attention.

I just... Don't understand you.

I gave you a chance to tell me. My question was something like this, "What do you want from me?" And your reply was simple and inconclusive, "I don't know."

Were you simply too ashamed to admit it? Were you afraid of my reaction?

Oh, what a foolish game you play. Don't forget that I'm the more practiced player... You're going to lose one way or the other.

Spiral

Wow. I hate myself so much it's unbearable.

I can't wait to die. Feels like this is it. There's nothing to live for... Except the fight for happiness...
And I'm tired of losing the battle. Happiness simply won't lend itself to me.

Sometimes I don't care. Sometimes I feel nothing at all. And sometimes... I'm overwhelmed, I feel too much... And it hurts. My heart aches when I realize how completely alone I am.

My heart aches when I see I can't be like everyone else. My mind has expanded... There's no way to undo what has been done.

You will tell me that the people that care for me should be enough reason to stay alive...

But what does it matter? We all die eventually. Is it not selfish for them to force me to continue living in misery? I am going fucking insane. I am trapped. My mind has flung itself in the air and the stars are reeling it into a different space continuum.

Does that not scare you? Do you ever feel like that?
I feel it every day.

It hurts. Physically sometimes. Mentally every time. It's emotionally tolling. I've never before been so anxious and scared and upset.

When will it end? I want to be normal. And by normal... I mean I don't even want to depend on medication. Anti-psychotics... Yeah. That's really normal. Fuck it.

The only way is death. It is my savior, my solution.

Narcissism

When the pieces of this puzzle fall away, and the earth begins to shatter all around me... And I doubt the existence of people I talk to... I think of you. And I wonder if you're really there. And then I realize that you have to be... Because you take me for granted. How could you possibly be a figment of my imagination?

And why would I create someone that cannot love me the way I love them?

I'm becoming increasingly detached from this little thing called society... And it feels as though human connection is impossible. I'm losing myself. And progressively, my depression is consuming me. I think a lot about suicide. Jokingly sometimes. And other times; quite literally. I'm beginning to consider it in a supremely serious light.

Funny thing is; I'm really good at hiding it. No one doubts my smiles and my charisma. No one dares to pull the mask away, perhaps too afraid of what they will find. And it makes me lonelier than ever. Not a soul in which to confide. No where to unload my burden for a few moments.

I am beginning to like it this way. I realized I'm much too narcissistic. I want people to love me. And I want to love them in return. And the best way to do that... Is by eliminating my needs and wants first. Only then can I be there one hundred percent for the people I care about. And honestly, I've gotten quite fed up with myself. I can't even stand listening to my own thoughts. I get tired of all this me me me bullshit.

Isn't it a little strange? Self destruction is a form of narcissism... I want to destroy myself because I cannot stand to live this way any longer... Yet... I love myself too much to actually go through with it.

I have court in a few hours.

Should I be afraid? I think I am. But mostly all I can think about is reality and the supernatural realms... And how distant they are from each other.

Perhaps I am immune to punishment. Nothing can touch me. Nothing can affect me. I'm not really here.

Real?

It happened again. It's been happening all day. I can't make it stop.
Turn up the music to tune them out.

"I fought the war. I fought the war. I fought the war, but the war won't stop for the love of god!" -Metric screams in my ears...
And I believe her. I am now fighting the endless battle that consumes my mind.

I doubt the existence of the people I've been talking to. I doubt my setting. I doubt my sanity. I doubt my insanity. I doubt my words. I doubt sounds. I doubt patterns... But I believe patterns. Patterns remind me I'm alive. Patterns bring me back. Patterns distort my perception. And suddenly I'm lost again.

Time is altered. It doesn't apply to me. I am not in this space and time. I'm in my own. This is my world. My universe.

What is reality? What is it? What is real?

Flawed

I now see where I went wrong with you. I made it all about the effect you had on Me and not about YOU.

I'm so fucking selfish. I'm always making it all about me. It was supposed to be about YOU.

Who cares about the way you make me feel or about the impact you've had on me? I'm supposed to love and cherish you simply for who you are. Your existence in my life to begin with should be enough to make you worthy of my love. Just you being you. And not for me. Just you being you for the sake of it.

Love. What a silly word.

It's too late now. I realized my mistake far too late in the game. And now it's over. And there's no way to regain what we had before. I don't have a time machine. I suppose I'll have to just let it go. For you. Because you deserve to be happy. And I should be happy for you. I should be happy just because you have what you want and need right now.

I should be able to see my flaws and realize that you simply deserve better than anything I could possibly offer you. Let's face it: I can't give you much. I can't give anyone much. I can't even take care of myself.

Falling

It's easy to get people to fall in love with me...
It's harder to fall for THEM. And it's even harder to get them to stick around.

I don't want just anyone. In fact, I don't think I want anyone at all. Maybe I just want to be alone. Or maybe I don't want to be let down anymore. I'm trying really hard to move on with my life... But it's difficult. Very difficult.

I've had to convince myself that you're a terrible person... So maybe it will be easier to dislike you. But I LOVE everything about you. Even your flaws. They make you beautiful. And with that said, it's impossible to hate you, therefor impossible to fall out of infatuation with you. You really are terrible. Look at what you've done to me.

I really wish I wasn't so obsessive.

Familiarity.

I dropped E Friday night for the first time in two months. It was given to me for free in celebration of my birthday. It was the most magical experience I've had in a very long time.

I wanted her to be there... But she couldn't be. And instead, I brought home someone else... Who listened to me talk for hours... But had nothing to say. She made me doubt her existence. And I became afraid I was talking to myself.

But she did something no one else has done in quite a long time. She listened. And it felt familiar and safe. But, it saddened me she had nothing to say. Felt like I couldn't connect with her... Nor could she with me. Or... Perhaps it made her fall even harder for me. Almost seemed like it.

Someone's going to get hurt. I'm getting tired of doing this.

The Age of Reason

I'm a year older now. My mother decided to tell me the story of how I came to be.

Her best friend had cancer. And the day he passed away (May 2nd, to be exact), he told my mom that God would send her a blessing, a gift for taking care of him in his time of need. And behold, exactly nine months later... I was born.

Fuck. I feel like crap now. I was a curse... And my mother swears I was her miracle baby. She doesn't even regret my existance. She loves me in a way that goes beyond unconditional love. And now... I can honestly say I've never hated myself more.

I feel guilty. My mother never deserved to be put through all the things I've done. And my father... And my friends. Wow. I'm terrible. What a sorry excuse for a human being I am.

To Give and Give and Give

Depersonalization. What a silly word.

I want to be a good person. I want to fix everything I've done wrong and be the best that I can be. I want to seek out truth. In myself. In everyone else. Truth must exist. If it doesn't, then I have reason to doubt the existence of just about anything.

I want to be honest. I want to be sincere. I want to be cool and collected. I want to inspire. I want to impact. I want to give. What better way to live?

I don't want anything from anyone. I just want to make people happy.
I've realized that it's mostly the main reason why I've been so promiscuous. It's not because I personally want to feel good... But because I like to make other people feel sexy and confident in themselves. I want to boost their egos and make them feel wanted.

But... No one can do that for me. Because I won't let them. And it kind of makes me feel empty. Maybe I'm just trying to justify myself for using other people to feel better about myself. Though honestly, that isn't it, is it? Well. Fuck.

I don't want to be promiscous anymore. I don't need sex to survive... So why do it?
I just want to be intimate. I want to bond emotionally with someone. But everytime I do... It feels a little bit wrong... And it fucks me over in the end.

I don't want people to get closer to me... I don't want to depend on or need anything from anyone. I just want to feel... Like there's something more profound between myself and society... So I won't have to feel so completely alone.

I'm adapting this to a painting

Don't be alarmed. This is something I sketched long ago. But... I felt it deeply... This was a manifestation of my reality slipping.
Sometimes it feels so intense and amazing that I want to embrace it and hold onto it and prolong the moment and the images and feelings.
Sometimes it scares me. And it makes my heart beat out of control. And it feels horrible and I feel like I'm falling without end. But I like it a little. Only a little.

The Irony of Connectedness

Am I a bad person?

I do very bad things. And I hurt people, almost to the point of no repair. But why? Sometimes I wonder if I do these things on purpose... Or if I convince myself that I do these things on purpose so that it's easier to live with the fact that what has been done can never be undone.

I have admitted previously that sometimes I am intentionally manipulative. And again, I pose the question; why? I honestly don't know. Or well. I suppose my reason for it is quite sick.

You know that feeling you get when you tell a little white lie and get away with it? It's almost as if you are washed over with this sense of accomplishment. Or is it relief? No matter. You put on a great show. Suddenly, it is as if you are a marvelous actor. And what's wrong with acting or pretending, if you're good at it? Nothing, of course.

So then... I am nothing more than a simple actress putting to use her innate talent. Can anyone honestly chastise me for that? If you have never used the natural will within you to manipulate or control any situation, you may hurl the first stone.

And again, I justify my actions, hoping not to merit my rightful consequences. I'm the prime example of a vulnerable, flawed, imperfect human being. But I think I embrace these qualities. What more can I do? Perfection is unattainable. Sad to say, my mother trained me to never give up on the search for this perfection. It's tearing me to pieces just to accept the fact that there's nothing else for me to do. I was wasting my time on the wrong pursuit. Happiness comes from within.

Someone once told me that I am narcissistic. I have been self indulgent in my actions and am often careless of the effect I have on others. My universe is all that concerns me. And he's right. I am very narcissistic. And why shouldn't I be? I'm not selfish. I'm simply honest, to myself and everyone else. I contain a universe within myself as we all do and each and every individuals' ultimate goal and destiny should be to discover their SELF.

You cannot connect intimately and sincerely with anyone unless you have first discovered who you truly are. And in order to reach this point, you must isolate yourself from the impression others may have on you.

Ironic isn't it? We must be disconnected in order to become connected.

Will You be My Host?

My words threaten to escape my lips, as if secreting from my pores, permeating the very oxygen I breathe.
I inhale my thoughts. They are used, abused, recycled.
My eyes follow the electrical wire that is my life line, in a trance, deceived.
And these wires expand and collapse like an epiphany never given birth.

Time is subjective and I hold the hammer in my hand.
Time to rebuild, to piece together.
Time to restore, to resurrect from destruction the shattered pieces of this world.
Tikkun Olam they call it in Hebrew.
And I have made it my personal mission.

My soul and energy are evanescent.
I can't focus my eyes on a single shade of gray.
My body is weightless, floating...
It doesn't belong to me.
It is the carcass, the putrid meat, left for the hounds and vultures to devour.
It now belongs to the ravenous parasites...
So that they may voraciously consume what's left of me.

I am non-existent.
I reject your reality.
I reject this face and this persona.
For I am only meat.
I cannot be this.
This doesn't feel right.
How can I find sincerity...When everything I do emanates this subliminal message?

I am a subliminal message.
I feel my cells meeting with one another.
They are conspiring against me...
And I, like a coward, lock myself away in the prison that is my mind.

I am a subliminal message.
I prey on your feeble mind.
For I have found strength.
I have discovered manipulation.
And I am perhaps the most vicious and deceptive leech you will ever meet.

Will you be my host?

For my Once Upon A Time Muse

I wrote this for someone. Sometime ago. I kinda like it.

Sometimes I wish I had a rich, more adequate vocabulary, so that I can convey to you my emotions and how wonderful I believe you are.
I feel as though the few words I have to offer can't match up to your beauty. For you are so precious; nothing I can give you will ever be enough and every recurrent thought I have about you perishes the instant it leaves my mouth as I am detached and not brave enough to carry out a demonstration of the importance you hold in my life.

I want to hand you the stars and remind you that you deserve the heavens and every single wonder the earth has to offer. I want to describe to you the mental imprint I have of your facial expressions, so that perhaps you can delight in the reverence to which I hold you.

I want to tell you all the things I've kept pent up inside of me for both our sakes and recreate every moment I let die and fade away, all because I lacked the bravery and strength to speak my mind and sing my heart and soul.

I don't know when or how it happened, but you've become everything to me. And if my world was once made of glass, it shattered the day I realized I couldn't have you.

Somehow, pouring my heart onto a sheet of paper doesn't feel like it's enough. It's only a sad, pathetic effort to keep my emotions in check as I strive to be the consistency you crave.You deserve better than this. You deserve the most lavishly beautiful words in the English language. No, forget English. You deserve every beautiful word in the Japanese, Spanish, French, Italian, and German dictionaries. I want to hire a poet, so that he may tell you how amazing you are with the diction you are worthy of.But all of this is meaningless. It doesn't matter how incredible I think you are. I can't kick down your doors and storm you away. You are safe and secure exactly where you are now... But I am willing to wait.

Perhaps, during my extended stay in Limbo, I will finally find my way without you and continue to be detached. Maybe I will learn to forget these pitiful emotions and lack of words to describe them.

You deserve the best this world has to offer. Forget karma and energy and silly superstitions, you're beyond it all simply for being one of the most beautiful, sincere, wholesome, and kindest people I know.

Sadly, I still feel that none of these words can even begin to describe how amazing you are or even convey my ever looming thoughts about you. None of this is worthy of your eyes and I will therefore be forced to continue hiding in my sheltered little head, where reality and happiness only exist within your presence.But I will always be a coward, unable to speak from the heart.

Truth in perception

I often picture what my funeral will be like. I imagine the way my loved ones would react to my death, and I think maybe they would try and reach a higher understanding of my thought process.
Perhaps my parents will read my writing, browse through my journals, interpret my philosophies and words...

But I don't think anyone will ever even come close to comprehending what my mind truly encompasses. No, they don't know how trapped I am. How fucking overwhelming this is.

On a different note:
I'm training myself not to care anymore. I've realized that I was just a pawn in your game this entire time. "You can't have your cake and eat it too." I've wasted too much time pining over you. It's time I faced the facts. You don't fucking want me. You were just playing games with me all along. I guess I must have been obviously vulnerable... To the point that it was simply unbearable to spoil such a chance for manipulation. Fuck. It must be karma. I deserve it.

You know... It's funny. I used to try so fucking hard to be a good person. Then, when I realized it was close to impossible, that perfection was and forever would be completely out of my grasp... I gave up on that search for altruism and sincerity... I trained myself to believe I was a horrible person. But I justified my selfishness by holding a vile contempt against humanity. I told myself that all human beings were as vile and horrible as I and therefor, what did it matter if I was good or bad? It's all the same. We're all just parasites.

Now I regret that belief. I still want to be a good person. I'm trying really hard. And it's become so difficult. To find truth... Seems like an unbeatable battle. I must first find my roots, my inner truth. And in order to do that... I can not perceive myself through the eyes of others. I must have my own perspective of myself. The true perspective, natural in the sense that it comes from within.

I can no longer rely on what others say. The only reality that matters is my own, not the fact that I mean anything at all in anyone else's reality.

Recluse

I can't stand being alone. I think too much when I'm alone... But at the same time... I really can't stand being in the company of anyone.

Whenever I find myself surrounded by other people, I realize how truly disconnected I am. There's nothing worse than being disconnected in my book.

I have faced the fact that... Perhaps I want to sever all ties I have with society. I want to go far far away and live within the wild. I don't care for material possessions anymore. And I don't want to be corrupted by media. Greed is consuming us all... And depriving us of real happiness. I don't want to fall prey to the superficial bullshit of this world. I want to be my own and separate entity, something bigger than what civilization has to offer.

I used to think that connectedness was the meaning of life. Now, I find myself shying away from human connectedness. I want more than anything to be completely alone... So that I may never have to endure the pain of rejection or misinterpretation. I long for self-inflicted isolation. I long for severance. I long for distance.

I want depth and beauty. I want to find something bigger than all of this. Something more powerful than any of us.

I don't want to be told that it's god, I don't want to be told to worship a higher power. That's brainwash. And why would my life mean anything if I abide by the worship of something I can't prove? I want to find it myself. I want to see it. I want to feel it. And I want all of this disillusion and disenchantment to be washed away. Life here has become insipid.

Lose Yourself

The psychiatrist's words were, "sometimes bad things happen to us when we're little... And we come up with different coping mechanisms. Some people find a place to go where nothing can touch them and they avoid fixing their problems on their own."

Sure. I have DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder. That's why I've only been experiencing symptoms this year.

Then he proceeded to tell me that my episodes sound like Schizophrenia and that it may be caused by a coke binge. A coke binge. My one coke binge that lasted five days... That came after my symptoms began. A coke binge he says.

No one knows what goes through my head. How can they diagnose me? When they don't fucking understand. No one will ever understand... Because you have to see it. You have to feel it. You have to hear it to know what it really is. No one can begin to understand how safe yet incredibly scary it feels to be caught between reality and fantasy.

You know what.... Fuck this. It's the end of the world in this small universe I like to call "SELF".
She has become a black hole soon to consume herself completely... Devouring her own entrails one after the other and licking her lips for more. The brutal pain is ecstasy... And it is the only thing that feels real anymore.

Does anyone know what true ecstasy is? It is that one beautiful moment in which you lose yourself completely. It is the moment you become the steady, rhythmic beating of the bass bass bass and nothing else matters. Nothing else exists. You cease to exist. And perhaps... That is the meaning of life. Nothing more and nothing less. Just to be a part of the bigger picture. To become so microscopic and insignificant that all you have is that moment... In which the universe consumes you and you become a part of it. You become the universe. YOU become god.

There's nothing more powerful. Nothing more exquisite. You contain the lavish cosmos of the world. We are never really touching. We are billions of light years apart. You will never reach me. And I will never reach you.

I feel alone. I feel helpless. And I feel ready to perish.