Missing U

I still feel stupid for ever loving her. I think she manipulated me... I watched her do it before. I knew she was doing it... But I willingly fell into her trap. And now I am hurting. I feel as though I have lost everything. I don't know what to live for anymore. I don't know how I survive day after day.

Yet, even after everything that's happened... I miss her. I'm not quite sure if it's simply her companionship or her love that I miss. I just know that I ache to be near her again, the way it used to be. And I want to call her like when we were best friends and just tell her about the way I miss my ex... And just pretend that they are not one and the same.

I miss her voice. I miss her eyes and the way she used to look at me. I miss playing with her hair as we laid together on my bed, her head on my shoulder. I miss holding her as we fall asleep. I miss her hugs and I miss her kisses. I miss the things she used to say to me and the conversations we had. I miss the way she understood me and how comfortable I felt around her. I miss playing connect the dots with her freckles. And I miss the way she grazed my calloused guitar playing hands with her finger tips.

I miss taking showers with her. I miss the way we made love. I miss the way she moved her body. I miss the way she walked, her toes pointing inward. I miss the way she did her make up. I miss the way she couldn't pee if I was listening. I miss waking her up with gentle kisses on the lips. I miss sleeping in till noon next to her. I even miss the gap in her front teeth. I miss the way she yelled at me when she was angry.

I don't miss the way she hurt me. I don't miss the way she lied and kept secrets from me. I don't miss the superficial friends she always chose to focus on. I don't miss how insecure and unsafe I felt with her. I don't miss the way she ignored me. I don't miss the way she unknowingly toyed with people's emotions.

But none of that even matters. I just want to stop thinking about her now. I just want to forget we ever dated. I want to pretend things haven't changed. That we're still friends the way we used to be.