Tear You Down

It dawned on me today... That I hurt people on purpose.
I am lethal. I am manipulative. I am vile.

And I don't know why I do it. But I want to make someone cry. I want to make someone feel alone and hopeless and useless. I want to be reckless.

Fuck. I don't want to do it... But I can't help it.

You're so guarded and safe and secure... And you can stand on your own without me... And I hate it... If I tear you down... Maybe there will be proof that you care about me... That I'm so important I can have that effect on you.

Distance

You said that you're in love with me. And I was so drugged up at the time... I'm not even sure how I felt about it or how I reacted.

It feels superficial now. You told me I have a beautiful mind and that you felt lucky to have me in your life. Told me that I was amazing and incredibly strong for staying clean and that I give you hope.

Oh... If only you knew.

I've used 4 days in a row now. I'm all out. And I don't have money to buy more. Maybe that can save me.

But, I don't want to disappoint you. I need to do this so maybe you'll see that you can do it too. And I care about you too much to let you down.

But it's so easy for you to let me down... And you do it all the time... And then I feel so angry at you for it... That I forget about how much I care about you completely... Because if I don't forget how deeply I feel for you, it just hurts too much to bare.

What to do, what to do? Well... I don't want relapse to be another option, though it feels a little late in the game to decide that. I don't want to lose you, but I can feel you pushing me away... So, well... What are my options?

I know: Push everyone away. Just push away anything and anyone that can hurt me. I will place you at a distance and discontinue this lie we have been living.

Of course it is a lie, because neither one of us wants to admit that this is going no where. And we keep refusing to end it, pretending that everything will work out in the end, that this way is good... That at least we have each other in this moment and that should be enough to carry us through and keep us happy.

It's not enough. I want more than this. And you're breaking my heart. And I don't care how much you love and care for me and how devastated you would be if anything ever happens to me... Because I feel like being selfish now... I've waited patiently and long enough for you to decide you want to be with me... And I can't hang on any longer. I have so much to offer, so much to give... And you just refuse to accept it.

So now... I need to push you as far away as I can. I can't keep doing this. I don't want to get hurt... And I want you to be happy. Obviously, your happiness does not lie with me. If it did, you would have long ago chosen me.

I hold nothing but disdain for you now. Just get the fuck out.

It's good to know my feelings are reciprocated. Here I thought you didn't care about me at all.

I made connections... But everything feels fake... Not because they were superficial... But because I'm not so sure I have the ability to connect.

I question nothing now. I don't want answers anymore. I want to be normal.

Relapse

I'm getting this terrible urge to relapse.

I feel so uncontrollably depressed... And I can't stop the hallucinations.

I know that if I was to use again, it would make these things go away. Heroin grounds me. It reminds me what is real and draws a line between reality and fantasy.

But I have to remind myself how horrible that life is. I need to remember how trapped I was. I need to remind myself how bad things got and look at my friends that are still using and realize how unrepairable things are becoming for them.

I'm tired of building and rebuilding only to tear it all back down.

I may not relapse now, but I am destined to do it again.

I am an addict. Nothing can ever change that.

Put a dress on a monkey and what does it become? A monkey in disguise.

That's all I am. An addict disguised as a regular civilian.

I've been hallucinating for the last two days...
I'm not on drugs, I can tell you that.

What's wrong with me?

I'm scared. I'm so scared. But at the same time... When it happens... I feel so apathetic.

I almost feel at peace with myself. Like maybe I'm finding some deep dark secret. Like maybe I'm getting somewhere. Like I'm digging deeper than I've ever gone before.

And sometimes... I can even control it. I feel my body and soul or mind or whatever separate... And then I pull myself back in and it goes away.

Memorial.

Her memorial is today. It's almost impossible to believe I will never see her again...

But then, I should have seen it coming all along.

It's just not real yet. It won't be real until I've mourned her with all the others. Then... Perhaps I will be able to believe it. Perhaps then I will know that there is nothing left to do. There's nothing I can do to change what has happened.

Flawed

I'm tired of people falling in love with me. I know that sounds conceited, but somehow it keeps happening.

Why do people want me? I'm not that great. I'm just a big joke. I come off all sweet and intelligent and charismatic... But I'm a fake. No one feels right for me.

I'm sick of people telling me that I'm beautiful. I'm tired of people smiling at me in that absurd way that appears as if they want everything I can give them and more. I'm tired of people building me up to be something I'm not and sitting me on a giant pedestal.

I just... Can't stand being loved. I want people to hate me. Perhaps if people hate me, it will be easier to hate myself... Then self destruction wouldn't be such a crime.

If people keep falling for me like this... Well... Damn. I'm going to become pretty damn full of myself. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be drained of sincerity.

In order to be sincere I have to be able to see my flaws. I have so many.

I wonder what it is that everyone else sees...

Does anyone see my tarnished persona? Do they love me anyway, even with all these impurities and mistakes? How? How can anyone love this disgusting being?

Distance

I am becoming apathetic.

I don't want to be loved. I don't want to be loved by anyone.

I'm tired of this silly game.

I don't care if you call. And I don't care if you love me.

I don't even think I love you. I'm training myself to simply not give a damn about anything you do.

My reality is slipping away. I like it. I hope I never come back.

I want to be distant. I want to get lost.

You'll never find me.