Distance

You said that you're in love with me. And I was so drugged up at the time... I'm not even sure how I felt about it or how I reacted.

It feels superficial now. You told me I have a beautiful mind and that you felt lucky to have me in your life. Told me that I was amazing and incredibly strong for staying clean and that I give you hope.

Oh... If only you knew.

I've used 4 days in a row now. I'm all out. And I don't have money to buy more. Maybe that can save me.

But, I don't want to disappoint you. I need to do this so maybe you'll see that you can do it too. And I care about you too much to let you down.

But it's so easy for you to let me down... And you do it all the time... And then I feel so angry at you for it... That I forget about how much I care about you completely... Because if I don't forget how deeply I feel for you, it just hurts too much to bare.

What to do, what to do? Well... I don't want relapse to be another option, though it feels a little late in the game to decide that. I don't want to lose you, but I can feel you pushing me away... So, well... What are my options?

I know: Push everyone away. Just push away anything and anyone that can hurt me. I will place you at a distance and discontinue this lie we have been living.

Of course it is a lie, because neither one of us wants to admit that this is going no where. And we keep refusing to end it, pretending that everything will work out in the end, that this way is good... That at least we have each other in this moment and that should be enough to carry us through and keep us happy.

It's not enough. I want more than this. And you're breaking my heart. And I don't care how much you love and care for me and how devastated you would be if anything ever happens to me... Because I feel like being selfish now... I've waited patiently and long enough for you to decide you want to be with me... And I can't hang on any longer. I have so much to offer, so much to give... And you just refuse to accept it.

So now... I need to push you as far away as I can. I can't keep doing this. I don't want to get hurt... And I want you to be happy. Obviously, your happiness does not lie with me. If it did, you would have long ago chosen me.

I hold nothing but disdain for you now. Just get the fuck out.