Sucks. Don't it?

Damnit.

Wow. I really fucked up, didn't I? How could I go and do something so stupid. I actually had a fighting chance before... And now I have nothing. Fuck.

New Connections.

It's funny how just a few weeks ago I was so upset. And now I feel perfectly fine. I've discovered a new breed of human, someone totally and completely different from anything I have ever encountered. I feel constantly surprised, suspenseful, on edge... Spontaneous. For once, I've met someone that intrigues me. Someone that I can't even begin to try and describe.

Not quite my type. And I'm not in love... But I want to know more about her. And I want to spend time with her. And I want to learn from her... And just being near her is a healing experience. I've finally met someone that truly astonishes me. And there's just something there... Something I can't read, beneath the surface. Something I can't begin to understand and I want desperately to do so.

The time we spend together is not romantic nor sexy nor enticing... Just hopeful and exciting and unique and special in a nonchalant kind of way. Wishing on shooting stars for each other on a hammock or just sitting under a tree discussing life in a general insensitive manner.

And we're not falling in love or lust... Just wasting time together, erasing and healing and mending and understanding and bonding. I've finally found a true companion, a friendship on the level that I was unknowingly searching for. And I think I've found someone that can possibly change my life for the better. Someone that has already impacted me and will most likely continue to do so.

I feel lucky. And perhaps I am ambitious in the kind of relationship I seem to be pushing for. But I'm certainly not trying to misinterpret anything. I just don't want this to slip away. I want to strengthen this friendship... Because I am truly grateful for every moment we spend together and every conversation we share. And I don't want to be greedy about it. I don't want more than she is willing to give me. I truly just want her to be a part of my life.

Missing U

I still feel stupid for ever loving her. I think she manipulated me... I watched her do it before. I knew she was doing it... But I willingly fell into her trap. And now I am hurting. I feel as though I have lost everything. I don't know what to live for anymore. I don't know how I survive day after day.

Yet, even after everything that's happened... I miss her. I'm not quite sure if it's simply her companionship or her love that I miss. I just know that I ache to be near her again, the way it used to be. And I want to call her like when we were best friends and just tell her about the way I miss my ex... And just pretend that they are not one and the same.

I miss her voice. I miss her eyes and the way she used to look at me. I miss playing with her hair as we laid together on my bed, her head on my shoulder. I miss holding her as we fall asleep. I miss her hugs and I miss her kisses. I miss the things she used to say to me and the conversations we had. I miss the way she understood me and how comfortable I felt around her. I miss playing connect the dots with her freckles. And I miss the way she grazed my calloused guitar playing hands with her finger tips.

I miss taking showers with her. I miss the way we made love. I miss the way she moved her body. I miss the way she walked, her toes pointing inward. I miss the way she did her make up. I miss the way she couldn't pee if I was listening. I miss waking her up with gentle kisses on the lips. I miss sleeping in till noon next to her. I even miss the gap in her front teeth. I miss the way she yelled at me when she was angry.

I don't miss the way she hurt me. I don't miss the way she lied and kept secrets from me. I don't miss the superficial friends she always chose to focus on. I don't miss how insecure and unsafe I felt with her. I don't miss the way she ignored me. I don't miss the way she unknowingly toyed with people's emotions.

But none of that even matters. I just want to stop thinking about her now. I just want to forget we ever dated. I want to pretend things haven't changed. That we're still friends the way we used to be.

"You worthless bitch. You fickle shit."

You couldn't leave him because you said you didn't want to decimate him... But how easy it was for you to do such a thing to me. Funny that you promised you would never hurt me... That this would never ruin our friendship... But you tore me to pieces. You seriously ripped me to shreds. I don't even know how to feel. I know that I will be vindictive and cruel about it... And it will solve nothing. But I want to feel something other than pain. I want to be angry so that this painful stabbing sensation in the pit of my stomach willl go away.

I can't handle this anymore. I just want to die. Life feels pointless. I've got nothing to look forward to. Nothing to live for. My life is directionless. I'm sinking deeper and deeper every day. I'm drowning.



Bauhaus describes the way I feel right now. This is what she did to me.

"What do you want of me
What do you long from me
A slim Pixie, thin and forlorn
A count, white and drawn
What do you make of me
What can you take from me
Pallid landscapes off my frown
Let me rip you up and down

For you I came to forsake
Lay wide despise and hate
I sing of you in my demented songs
For you and your stimulations
Take what you can of me
Rip what you can off me
And this I'll say to you
And hope that it gets through

You worthless bitch
You fickle shit
You will spit on me
You will make me spit
And when the Judas howl arise
And like the Jesus Jews you epitomize
I'll still be here as strong as you
And I'll walk away in spite of you

And I'll walk away
Away
Walk away"

What?

I have been reevaluating life lately. Let's face it. I complain too much.

So I've changed my perspective a bit. I'm trying not to think too much. And I've given up on trying to escape myself and this reality. Whatever happens happens. Things can't possibly be that bad.

I was just thinking today about how much I love my hands and how lucky I am to have fully functional limbs. I do everything with my hands... Without them... Well I don't know what I would do. It's little things like having hands and legs and being able to go on long walks with my friends that helps me remember how good life is. =]

Unhappy

I give up. I don't know why I'm trying anymore.
I wanted this so bad... But now that I finally have it; it feels cruel and stolen or forbidden.

I think maybe I don't want to be happy. I'm not letting myself be happy.
I keep looking for flaws in my relationship so I can let myself down early and spare myself the pain and disappointment later. If I just convince myself now that it's doomed to fail... I can just block out the feelings and pretend that it doesn't bother me.

But that would be giving up early. And I wouldn't be giving us the chance I always thought we deserved. I guess maybe I'm just done trying. I'm tired.

I thought... That once the first battle was over it would be breezy through and through. But it isn't. And I guess. I don't know. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. And I've just been trying to deceive myself this entire time by blowing off my emotions and devalidating them as if they aren't important. If none of this was important to me... I wouldn't be so hurt over it and struggling to fight it.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just love and be loved... And for a moment trust and just accept that things can't always be perfect and maybe it's more fun that way.

Maybe the insecurities and jealousy and distrust are just a little something to spice it up. Maybe I shouldn't be so demanding and eager to give up.

I keep thinking... What if this all just happened a little too fast? Maybe I needed a little more time to figure myself out. Now I'm bringing this curse into someone elses life. I don't want to be the predator. I don't want to be the one to destroy someone completely innocent.

What am I supposed to do? How can I finally be at peace and just be happy and make her happy too?

I think I just started today on the wrong foot. I think maybe more sleep will make me happy. Maybe just... Letting it go. Just letting go of my frustrations and stop blowing things out of proportion.

It's me. I'm the problem here. I'm the problem everywhere. I guess I was born bad. "Naturally born bad." Like a fucking rotten apple. Stay away, the rot is contagious. I might start eating away your flesh. Just step back before it's too late. Already, I've began to infect you.