Unhappy

I give up. I don't know why I'm trying anymore.
I wanted this so bad... But now that I finally have it; it feels cruel and stolen or forbidden.

I think maybe I don't want to be happy. I'm not letting myself be happy.
I keep looking for flaws in my relationship so I can let myself down early and spare myself the pain and disappointment later. If I just convince myself now that it's doomed to fail... I can just block out the feelings and pretend that it doesn't bother me.

But that would be giving up early. And I wouldn't be giving us the chance I always thought we deserved. I guess maybe I'm just done trying. I'm tired.

I thought... That once the first battle was over it would be breezy through and through. But it isn't. And I guess. I don't know. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. And I've just been trying to deceive myself this entire time by blowing off my emotions and devalidating them as if they aren't important. If none of this was important to me... I wouldn't be so hurt over it and struggling to fight it.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just love and be loved... And for a moment trust and just accept that things can't always be perfect and maybe it's more fun that way.

Maybe the insecurities and jealousy and distrust are just a little something to spice it up. Maybe I shouldn't be so demanding and eager to give up.

I keep thinking... What if this all just happened a little too fast? Maybe I needed a little more time to figure myself out. Now I'm bringing this curse into someone elses life. I don't want to be the predator. I don't want to be the one to destroy someone completely innocent.

What am I supposed to do? How can I finally be at peace and just be happy and make her happy too?

I think I just started today on the wrong foot. I think maybe more sleep will make me happy. Maybe just... Letting it go. Just letting go of my frustrations and stop blowing things out of proportion.

It's me. I'm the problem here. I'm the problem everywhere. I guess I was born bad. "Naturally born bad." Like a fucking rotten apple. Stay away, the rot is contagious. I might start eating away your flesh. Just step back before it's too late. Already, I've began to infect you.