Spiral

Wow. I hate myself so much it's unbearable.

I can't wait to die. Feels like this is it. There's nothing to live for... Except the fight for happiness...
And I'm tired of losing the battle. Happiness simply won't lend itself to me.

Sometimes I don't care. Sometimes I feel nothing at all. And sometimes... I'm overwhelmed, I feel too much... And it hurts. My heart aches when I realize how completely alone I am.

My heart aches when I see I can't be like everyone else. My mind has expanded... There's no way to undo what has been done.

You will tell me that the people that care for me should be enough reason to stay alive...

But what does it matter? We all die eventually. Is it not selfish for them to force me to continue living in misery? I am going fucking insane. I am trapped. My mind has flung itself in the air and the stars are reeling it into a different space continuum.

Does that not scare you? Do you ever feel like that?
I feel it every day.

It hurts. Physically sometimes. Mentally every time. It's emotionally tolling. I've never before been so anxious and scared and upset.

When will it end? I want to be normal. And by normal... I mean I don't even want to depend on medication. Anti-psychotics... Yeah. That's really normal. Fuck it.

The only way is death. It is my savior, my solution.

Narcissism

When the pieces of this puzzle fall away, and the earth begins to shatter all around me... And I doubt the existence of people I talk to... I think of you. And I wonder if you're really there. And then I realize that you have to be... Because you take me for granted. How could you possibly be a figment of my imagination?

And why would I create someone that cannot love me the way I love them?

I'm becoming increasingly detached from this little thing called society... And it feels as though human connection is impossible. I'm losing myself. And progressively, my depression is consuming me. I think a lot about suicide. Jokingly sometimes. And other times; quite literally. I'm beginning to consider it in a supremely serious light.

Funny thing is; I'm really good at hiding it. No one doubts my smiles and my charisma. No one dares to pull the mask away, perhaps too afraid of what they will find. And it makes me lonelier than ever. Not a soul in which to confide. No where to unload my burden for a few moments.

I am beginning to like it this way. I realized I'm much too narcissistic. I want people to love me. And I want to love them in return. And the best way to do that... Is by eliminating my needs and wants first. Only then can I be there one hundred percent for the people I care about. And honestly, I've gotten quite fed up with myself. I can't even stand listening to my own thoughts. I get tired of all this me me me bullshit.

Isn't it a little strange? Self destruction is a form of narcissism... I want to destroy myself because I cannot stand to live this way any longer... Yet... I love myself too much to actually go through with it.

I have court in a few hours.

Should I be afraid? I think I am. But mostly all I can think about is reality and the supernatural realms... And how distant they are from each other.

Perhaps I am immune to punishment. Nothing can touch me. Nothing can affect me. I'm not really here.

Real?

It happened again. It's been happening all day. I can't make it stop.
Turn up the music to tune them out.

"I fought the war. I fought the war. I fought the war, but the war won't stop for the love of god!" -Metric screams in my ears...
And I believe her. I am now fighting the endless battle that consumes my mind.

I doubt the existence of the people I've been talking to. I doubt my setting. I doubt my sanity. I doubt my insanity. I doubt my words. I doubt sounds. I doubt patterns... But I believe patterns. Patterns remind me I'm alive. Patterns bring me back. Patterns distort my perception. And suddenly I'm lost again.

Time is altered. It doesn't apply to me. I am not in this space and time. I'm in my own. This is my world. My universe.

What is reality? What is it? What is real?

Flawed

I now see where I went wrong with you. I made it all about the effect you had on Me and not about YOU.

I'm so fucking selfish. I'm always making it all about me. It was supposed to be about YOU.

Who cares about the way you make me feel or about the impact you've had on me? I'm supposed to love and cherish you simply for who you are. Your existence in my life to begin with should be enough to make you worthy of my love. Just you being you. And not for me. Just you being you for the sake of it.

Love. What a silly word.

It's too late now. I realized my mistake far too late in the game. And now it's over. And there's no way to regain what we had before. I don't have a time machine. I suppose I'll have to just let it go. For you. Because you deserve to be happy. And I should be happy for you. I should be happy just because you have what you want and need right now.

I should be able to see my flaws and realize that you simply deserve better than anything I could possibly offer you. Let's face it: I can't give you much. I can't give anyone much. I can't even take care of myself.

Falling

It's easy to get people to fall in love with me...
It's harder to fall for THEM. And it's even harder to get them to stick around.

I don't want just anyone. In fact, I don't think I want anyone at all. Maybe I just want to be alone. Or maybe I don't want to be let down anymore. I'm trying really hard to move on with my life... But it's difficult. Very difficult.

I've had to convince myself that you're a terrible person... So maybe it will be easier to dislike you. But I LOVE everything about you. Even your flaws. They make you beautiful. And with that said, it's impossible to hate you, therefor impossible to fall out of infatuation with you. You really are terrible. Look at what you've done to me.

I really wish I wasn't so obsessive.

Familiarity.

I dropped E Friday night for the first time in two months. It was given to me for free in celebration of my birthday. It was the most magical experience I've had in a very long time.

I wanted her to be there... But she couldn't be. And instead, I brought home someone else... Who listened to me talk for hours... But had nothing to say. She made me doubt her existence. And I became afraid I was talking to myself.

But she did something no one else has done in quite a long time. She listened. And it felt familiar and safe. But, it saddened me she had nothing to say. Felt like I couldn't connect with her... Nor could she with me. Or... Perhaps it made her fall even harder for me. Almost seemed like it.

Someone's going to get hurt. I'm getting tired of doing this.

The Age of Reason

I'm a year older now. My mother decided to tell me the story of how I came to be.

Her best friend had cancer. And the day he passed away (May 2nd, to be exact), he told my mom that God would send her a blessing, a gift for taking care of him in his time of need. And behold, exactly nine months later... I was born.

Fuck. I feel like crap now. I was a curse... And my mother swears I was her miracle baby. She doesn't even regret my existance. She loves me in a way that goes beyond unconditional love. And now... I can honestly say I've never hated myself more.

I feel guilty. My mother never deserved to be put through all the things I've done. And my father... And my friends. Wow. I'm terrible. What a sorry excuse for a human being I am.