The Irony of Connectedness

Am I a bad person?

I do very bad things. And I hurt people, almost to the point of no repair. But why? Sometimes I wonder if I do these things on purpose... Or if I convince myself that I do these things on purpose so that it's easier to live with the fact that what has been done can never be undone.

I have admitted previously that sometimes I am intentionally manipulative. And again, I pose the question; why? I honestly don't know. Or well. I suppose my reason for it is quite sick.

You know that feeling you get when you tell a little white lie and get away with it? It's almost as if you are washed over with this sense of accomplishment. Or is it relief? No matter. You put on a great show. Suddenly, it is as if you are a marvelous actor. And what's wrong with acting or pretending, if you're good at it? Nothing, of course.

So then... I am nothing more than a simple actress putting to use her innate talent. Can anyone honestly chastise me for that? If you have never used the natural will within you to manipulate or control any situation, you may hurl the first stone.

And again, I justify my actions, hoping not to merit my rightful consequences. I'm the prime example of a vulnerable, flawed, imperfect human being. But I think I embrace these qualities. What more can I do? Perfection is unattainable. Sad to say, my mother trained me to never give up on the search for this perfection. It's tearing me to pieces just to accept the fact that there's nothing else for me to do. I was wasting my time on the wrong pursuit. Happiness comes from within.

Someone once told me that I am narcissistic. I have been self indulgent in my actions and am often careless of the effect I have on others. My universe is all that concerns me. And he's right. I am very narcissistic. And why shouldn't I be? I'm not selfish. I'm simply honest, to myself and everyone else. I contain a universe within myself as we all do and each and every individuals' ultimate goal and destiny should be to discover their SELF.

You cannot connect intimately and sincerely with anyone unless you have first discovered who you truly are. And in order to reach this point, you must isolate yourself from the impression others may have on you.

Ironic isn't it? We must be disconnected in order to become connected.