Recluse

I can't stand being alone. I think too much when I'm alone... But at the same time... I really can't stand being in the company of anyone.

Whenever I find myself surrounded by other people, I realize how truly disconnected I am. There's nothing worse than being disconnected in my book.

I have faced the fact that... Perhaps I want to sever all ties I have with society. I want to go far far away and live within the wild. I don't care for material possessions anymore. And I don't want to be corrupted by media. Greed is consuming us all... And depriving us of real happiness. I don't want to fall prey to the superficial bullshit of this world. I want to be my own and separate entity, something bigger than what civilization has to offer.

I used to think that connectedness was the meaning of life. Now, I find myself shying away from human connectedness. I want more than anything to be completely alone... So that I may never have to endure the pain of rejection or misinterpretation. I long for self-inflicted isolation. I long for severance. I long for distance.

I want depth and beauty. I want to find something bigger than all of this. Something more powerful than any of us.

I don't want to be told that it's god, I don't want to be told to worship a higher power. That's brainwash. And why would my life mean anything if I abide by the worship of something I can't prove? I want to find it myself. I want to see it. I want to feel it. And I want all of this disillusion and disenchantment to be washed away. Life here has become insipid.