To Give and Give and Give

Depersonalization. What a silly word.

I want to be a good person. I want to fix everything I've done wrong and be the best that I can be. I want to seek out truth. In myself. In everyone else. Truth must exist. If it doesn't, then I have reason to doubt the existence of just about anything.

I want to be honest. I want to be sincere. I want to be cool and collected. I want to inspire. I want to impact. I want to give. What better way to live?

I don't want anything from anyone. I just want to make people happy.
I've realized that it's mostly the main reason why I've been so promiscuous. It's not because I personally want to feel good... But because I like to make other people feel sexy and confident in themselves. I want to boost their egos and make them feel wanted.

But... No one can do that for me. Because I won't let them. And it kind of makes me feel empty. Maybe I'm just trying to justify myself for using other people to feel better about myself. Though honestly, that isn't it, is it? Well. Fuck.

I don't want to be promiscous anymore. I don't need sex to survive... So why do it?
I just want to be intimate. I want to bond emotionally with someone. But everytime I do... It feels a little bit wrong... And it fucks me over in the end.

I don't want people to get closer to me... I don't want to depend on or need anything from anyone. I just want to feel... Like there's something more profound between myself and society... So I won't have to feel so completely alone.