Truth in perception

I often picture what my funeral will be like. I imagine the way my loved ones would react to my death, and I think maybe they would try and reach a higher understanding of my thought process.
Perhaps my parents will read my writing, browse through my journals, interpret my philosophies and words...

But I don't think anyone will ever even come close to comprehending what my mind truly encompasses. No, they don't know how trapped I am. How fucking overwhelming this is.

On a different note:
I'm training myself not to care anymore. I've realized that I was just a pawn in your game this entire time. "You can't have your cake and eat it too." I've wasted too much time pining over you. It's time I faced the facts. You don't fucking want me. You were just playing games with me all along. I guess I must have been obviously vulnerable... To the point that it was simply unbearable to spoil such a chance for manipulation. Fuck. It must be karma. I deserve it.

You know... It's funny. I used to try so fucking hard to be a good person. Then, when I realized it was close to impossible, that perfection was and forever would be completely out of my grasp... I gave up on that search for altruism and sincerity... I trained myself to believe I was a horrible person. But I justified my selfishness by holding a vile contempt against humanity. I told myself that all human beings were as vile and horrible as I and therefor, what did it matter if I was good or bad? It's all the same. We're all just parasites.

Now I regret that belief. I still want to be a good person. I'm trying really hard. And it's become so difficult. To find truth... Seems like an unbeatable battle. I must first find my roots, my inner truth. And in order to do that... I can not perceive myself through the eyes of others. I must have my own perspective of myself. The true perspective, natural in the sense that it comes from within.

I can no longer rely on what others say. The only reality that matters is my own, not the fact that I mean anything at all in anyone else's reality.