Lose Yourself

The psychiatrist's words were, "sometimes bad things happen to us when we're little... And we come up with different coping mechanisms. Some people find a place to go where nothing can touch them and they avoid fixing their problems on their own."

Sure. I have DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder. That's why I've only been experiencing symptoms this year.

Then he proceeded to tell me that my episodes sound like Schizophrenia and that it may be caused by a coke binge. A coke binge. My one coke binge that lasted five days... That came after my symptoms began. A coke binge he says.

No one knows what goes through my head. How can they diagnose me? When they don't fucking understand. No one will ever understand... Because you have to see it. You have to feel it. You have to hear it to know what it really is. No one can begin to understand how safe yet incredibly scary it feels to be caught between reality and fantasy.

You know what.... Fuck this. It's the end of the world in this small universe I like to call "SELF".
She has become a black hole soon to consume herself completely... Devouring her own entrails one after the other and licking her lips for more. The brutal pain is ecstasy... And it is the only thing that feels real anymore.

Does anyone know what true ecstasy is? It is that one beautiful moment in which you lose yourself completely. It is the moment you become the steady, rhythmic beating of the bass bass bass and nothing else matters. Nothing else exists. You cease to exist. And perhaps... That is the meaning of life. Nothing more and nothing less. Just to be a part of the bigger picture. To become so microscopic and insignificant that all you have is that moment... In which the universe consumes you and you become a part of it. You become the universe. YOU become god.

There's nothing more powerful. Nothing more exquisite. You contain the lavish cosmos of the world. We are never really touching. We are billions of light years apart. You will never reach me. And I will never reach you.

I feel alone. I feel helpless. And I feel ready to perish.