BMC. Groovy Maaannn.

I've been doing a little research because I've been experiencing quite frequent psychotic episodes. No. That is not an exaggeration. I am afraid of going crazy. And often times it really feels like I am going to lose it. IT being my mind.

Chances are I might have a personality disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder. Ey, what the fuck? I have all the symptoms. Every last one of them to the tee.
I could have some kind of dissociation. But... That's not much of a diagnosis. Dissociation is the plain description of what I experience when I episode.

I may have Bipolar II Disorder or Schizoaffective Disorder. But that really does seem like a dive into the deep end. I wouldn't know though. I don't have a PhD. Seems like the degree was wasted on my therapist. Who fails to classify my symptoms and attributes them all to my previous use of LSD.

Now, if you've done LSD no more than a handful of times... Would you call yourself permafried? I can't honestly say it makes any logical sense. These aren't fucking flashbacks. I don't feel a tinge of euphoria or experience an intensity in perception of colors. Fucking ey. My concept of reality is completely obliterated! It feels like my body is eviscerated! Fucking damnit. Don't doctors know ANYTHING these days? Shit. I've done enough acid to know what a goddamn flashback is. And I promise you... I haven't done enough CID for it to fuck me up THIS bad.

Now. Here's what's happening. The doc wants to throw me in the BMC for approximately eight weeks. Not because of what I've told him as far as my episodes go. But because of a dependency issue. Which in my opinion... Is quite a stupid reason to throw me in since I detoxed 5 weeks ago and have zero access to drugs. Plus, he is also fearing for my life. Says I may be suicidal. What the fuck? I haven't even attempted suicide. Not once.

Maybe once. TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO. I haven't even tried lately... Not concsiously anyway... Just when I'm having these so called "flashbacks." I just want the trippiness to stop. I want to stop feeling like I'm losing my mind.

Why can't he just give me meds and be on with his life? I'll go crazy in a psychward for sure. I'm not even suicidal! I haven't thought about drugs in weeks. I just want to stop thinking! Fucking damnit. Fuck this. What a stupid reality we live in. No wonder my mind tries so hard to pull me out of it.